As a friend and I exited the Grill earlier this week and made our way toward the Lower Quad, we came across quite the spectacle. The sight we stumbled upon shook our emotions; so much so that neither of us said a word until we left the scene.
No, it wasn’t the “die-in” student protest on Tuesday. What we witnessed moved us in a different way.
When we watched a male student kneel down in the Murray-Herrick foyer and kiss the hand of his parting girlfriend, the event left us feeling perturbed and hysterical. Neither of us had seen such an obnoxious public display of affection since grade school.
So, to commemorate the incident and avert future sightings, consider this list of moves to avoid next time you feel the need to share how much you care with the rest of the world.
1. Marathon kissing
Even though Soulja Boy might enjoy “kissing you in public,” not everyone else is so eager to see how long you and your beau can lock lips. Kissing is an intimate thing—as in something best saved for private. An acceptable goodbye kiss might last two seconds, but any longer and you’re guaranteeing discomfort for those around you. Chances are good that you two aren’t saying goodbye forever, so save the make-out session for next time.
Sometimes relationships are uneven. Joey might like Jenna more than she likes him, but as long as that works for them, who are we to judge, right? Well, people love to judge. So instead of worrying about what they might be saying, don’t give them the chance. If your lover won’t leave your side and has to have a hand on you at all times, just tell him or her to stop. Save us the displeasure of watching your companion’s desperation spill all over.
Even though we’ve gotten lucky with the weather lately, everyone knows the cold is coming, but that doesn’t mean you and your other half should cuddle up to share body heat. Just get a blanket. Or put a coat on. The other people at the party or in the movie theater will appreciate your resourcefulness and that they don’t have to watch you two rub up on each other for the rest of the night.
4. Wearing each other’s clothes
Remember in high school when girls used to wear their boyfriends’ letter jackets? Well, apparently once those teens moved on to a Division III school, they decided to leave the accolades behind and just borrow less honorable items of clothing. Girls will put on guys’ shorts and hats, and guys might even suit up in girls’ sweatshirts. Rarely are two partners the same size. Why do they feel the need to share wardrobes?
5. Terms of endearment
Although not necessarily a “display” of affection, names like “hun” and “dear” are nearly surefire ways to make someone gag. Nothing stops people in their tracks quicker than overhearing a mushy term of endearment. You and your partner might have cutesy names for each other, but no one else wants to hear them. What you call each other behind closed doors is your business. Don’t make it ours by sharing with the world.
Grant Goerke can be reached at email@example.com